Random Acts of Familial Hilarity

Hilarious Father:

(Out to breakfast with the family)
H: What kinds of juices do you have?
Waitress: Orange, cranberry, apple, and tomato.
H: Hmmm... I'll have a Pepsi.

H: Your mom has what I call T.I.T.S... Technology induced touretts syndrome.

(Text conversation when I was in NYC)
M: In Times Square!
H: Watch out for cars and the Naked Cowboy.


Hilarious Mother:

(Watching cars trying to navigate the road on a snowy day)
R: Who thinks a PT Cruiser is 4-wheel-drive?... Besides that guy!

(Watching the Westminster Dog Show)
R: It'd be funny if one of 'em took a dump out there.

(Referring to a poorly dressing woman at a casino)
R: Why is her belt doubling as her underwire?



Text Message Conversations with Hilarious Mother:

R: Lemon drop martinis at work today!

M: What are you up to today?
R: (Sensing that I might want her to come see me) Bitch please, we were in Chico yesterday!

M: (After I was really sick) I CAN BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE!!!
R: Good, staying up on the drugs helps. Will & Grace ch. 38.

R: 'The Bachelor' in Chico tonight.
M: We're watching it right now.
R: I think she creeped him out.
M: Ditto.


Text Messages from Hilarious Sister:

A: I hate when people don't leave messages. And when people on the freeway are slags about letting you merge.

A: Best advice of the day: Don't work too hard. You don't want to be the richest girl in the cemetery. Best compliment: You look like a movie star.



A Friend's Hilarious Mother:

K: Do I have google on this computer?

Things that my mom's mom's mom says

Yes, this came from my mom' mom's mom (aka my great-grandma)! My great-grandma, Mary (whom we call Vava, which means "grandma" in Portuguese) turned 95 this past weekend. For her birthday I made her a cake and our family had a nice visit with her. Part way through the visit my mom got out a bunch of old photo albums ranging from the 1920s-1990s. As we were looking through the photos I could not believe what this little 95 year-old lady could remember! One of my favorite stories that Vava told was about my grandma (Arlene) and great-aunt (Dorothy). Arlene and Dorothy are only three years apart in age. One day when Dorothy was a baby, Vava looked in the crib where she left the baby and noticed that she wasn't there. She also noticed that her rambunctious 3 year-old was nowhere to be found either. As she was searching for her girls, she rounded the corner of the barn and found 3 year-old Arlene climbing the ladder to the hay loft with infant Dorothy tucked under her arm. Vava then sweetly coaxed Arlene down the ladder, "Come here sweetie, what a good little girl." Once she was down the ladder, Vava rescued Dorothy and proceeded whoop Arlene's little hiney. To hear Vava retell this story is a riot, and it never gets old (I've heard it dozens of times). At the end of the story Vava sighed like she could hardly believe that she survived that incident, let alone the seventy-odd years since it happened. Then she said, "That Arlene was somethin' when she was small." To which we could only laugh and totally agree!

Happy 95th Birthday Vava!