Well, my time in Chico is drawing to a close and there are only a handful of days left until my big move to Fairfield. I am so ready for this new adventure and to actually be in the same place as my Favorite! I'll be using this blog to keep in touch with family and close friends, instead of putting pictures and info all over facebook. PLEASE stay in touch! Remember; phones work in both ways! :) Fairfield is only 2 hours from Chico and very close to Napa, SF, and Sacramento.

Because my Family is freakin' HILARIOUS!

Revamped my blog a bit. Changed the background (still lame) and changed it to be not only the hilarious things my family says, but also random hilarity and musings, etc. However, I REFUSE to have a "Dear, Diary" blog. You won't get lots of personal thoughts and feelings via this blog, but I hope you laugh your hiney off!

Haven't posted any hilarious quotes from my family on here in a while; the main reason being that anytime someone (mainly my mother or father) said something hilarious (all be it slightly inappropriate... making it all the more funny) it would be followed up by, "THAT BETTER NOT MAKE YOUR BLOG!!!"

I didn't think much of my posting absence, until my cousin mentioned that he had not seen a new post in a while. So, back by popular (one person asking) demand... Hilariousness from my family!

[Email exchange with Dad]

H: *emailed photos of a daytrip to Buck's Lake*

M: AWESOME! Looks like a lot of fun!

H: It was. What did you do today?

M: Went to work like the productive member of society you raised me to be... Then came home an took a nap.

[Email exchange with Dad]

H: (to many family members) Chris is coming for a quick visit and that's a great reason to throw a party. She is planning a sewing and kibitzing fest with her sisters on Saturday, February 25. How about we get together at at the HCM abode for a Chrissy Fix on Sunday the 26th? I will have some tri-tips* on the grill and some cold beverages. Plan on getting here around 1 or 2 and we can commence to the vittles at 3 or so. Remember this is next weekend! Please let us know if you can make it. If I have neglected anyone, that wasn't intentional. Bring 'em along. RSVP!**

Remember, this is next Sunday.

*Chris, tri tips are what we Californios BBQ instead of brisket like you Tejanos

**That is French for let me know if you are coming. It helps me plan how much to buy. Give a brother a hand, literally, and let me know!

M:I will be there. Is there anything I can bring? Also, this email makes me so proud to be your spawn; it's hilarious and slathered in sarcasm and Yiddish.

H: You gotta have chutzpah. 

[Text message conversation with Sister]

A: One of my facebook friends just said, "plain tickets are so expensive." Homonym fail.

M: That's odd. You'd think that plain tickets would be cheap and that fancy/ornate tickets would be expensive.

A: You wood think.

[Text message conversation with Dad]

H: I just saw a broke down old codger (not me!) walking into Ray's Liquor wearing chaps. YOUR TEAM!

[Text message conversation with Dad]

M: Do you have a 16mm combination wrench?

H: Not on me at the moment. What is it for?

[Text message conversation with Mom]

*You should know that our family plays the License plate game religiously!*

M: Manitoba

R: Good one, eh?

[Text message conversation with Mom]

R: Bumper sticker I saw today: "I'm not passing judgement, i just think you are stupid."

[Text message conversation with Mom]

M: Definitely just plucked a gray eyebrow hair. Great.

R: Haha

M: Bitch

Random Acts of Familial Hilarity

Hilarious Father:

(Out to breakfast with the family)
H: What kinds of juices do you have?
Waitress: Orange, cranberry, apple, and tomato.
H: Hmmm... I'll have a Pepsi.

H: Your mom has what I call T.I.T.S... Technology induced touretts syndrome.

(Text conversation when I was in NYC)
M: In Times Square!
H: Watch out for cars and the Naked Cowboy.


Hilarious Mother:

(Watching cars trying to navigate the road on a snowy day)
R: Who thinks a PT Cruiser is 4-wheel-drive?... Besides that guy!

(Watching the Westminster Dog Show)
R: It'd be funny if one of 'em took a dump out there.

(Referring to a poorly dressing woman at a casino)
R: Why is her belt doubling as her underwire?



Text Message Conversations with Hilarious Mother:

R: Lemon drop martinis at work today!

M: What are you up to today?
R: (Sensing that I might want her to come see me) Bitch please, we were in Chico yesterday!

M: (After I was really sick) I CAN BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE!!!
R: Good, staying up on the drugs helps. Will & Grace ch. 38.

R: 'The Bachelor' in Chico tonight.
M: We're watching it right now.
R: I think she creeped him out.
M: Ditto.


Text Messages from Hilarious Sister:

A: I hate when people don't leave messages. And when people on the freeway are slags about letting you merge.

A: Best advice of the day: Don't work too hard. You don't want to be the richest girl in the cemetery. Best compliment: You look like a movie star.



A Friend's Hilarious Mother:

K: Do I have google on this computer?

Things that my mom's mom's mom says

Yes, this came from my mom' mom's mom (aka my great-grandma)! My great-grandma, Mary (whom we call Vava, which means "grandma" in Portuguese) turned 95 this past weekend. For her birthday I made her a cake and our family had a nice visit with her. Part way through the visit my mom got out a bunch of old photo albums ranging from the 1920s-1990s. As we were looking through the photos I could not believe what this little 95 year-old lady could remember! One of my favorite stories that Vava told was about my grandma (Arlene) and great-aunt (Dorothy). Arlene and Dorothy are only three years apart in age. One day when Dorothy was a baby, Vava looked in the crib where she left the baby and noticed that she wasn't there. She also noticed that her rambunctious 3 year-old was nowhere to be found either. As she was searching for her girls, she rounded the corner of the barn and found 3 year-old Arlene climbing the ladder to the hay loft with infant Dorothy tucked under her arm. Vava then sweetly coaxed Arlene down the ladder, "Come here sweetie, what a good little girl." Once she was down the ladder, Vava rescued Dorothy and proceeded whoop Arlene's little hiney. To hear Vava retell this story is a riot, and it never gets old (I've heard it dozens of times). At the end of the story Vava sighed like she could hardly believe that she survived that incident, let alone the seventy-odd years since it happened. Then she said, "That Arlene was somethin' when she was small." To which we could only laugh and totally agree!

Happy 95th Birthday Vava!

Recent Random Hilarity

The other day my mom and I were sitting on the couch watching tv, reading magazines, etc. I was texting my boyfriend and then set my phone on my stomach, to which my mother promptly said, "Get that off of your ovaries. You're going to get cancer." (She has also expressed her fear of us getting brain cancer by sleeping with our phones near our heads.)


I called my mom at work the other day. She had to wrap up our conversation because she had a customer coming into the store. "Oh, I can tell by the looks of this hair that she's on Amelia's team. [door opens, customer enters] And the glasses too. Yep, Amelia's team. Gotta go. Love you. Bye."


(M): Just devoured 2 pbj's in the space of about 5 minutes. Don't say that I don't have goals.
(R): Oink

Christmas Quotes

Let's be realistic, BOTH of my parents are hilarious! So, it is only necessary that I include quotes from my father in this posting as well. [Key: (H)=Hugh (R)=Rachael (A)=Amelia]


I don't actually recall why this was even brought up and who knows what our topic of conversation was actually about:
(H): Yeah, he got popped like Tupac.
(A): You are TOO old and TOO white to say things like that.


In reference to someone asking how to get to a small town in the California central valley:
(H): Go to Hell and then turn left.


My sister and I had Christmas Eve dinner at our house this year and my mom seemed slightly buzzed upon arrival. When we asked her about it later:
(R): I may, or may not, but definitely did have some wine in my Klean Kanteen.


In reference to the sheer volume of "That's What She Said" jokes made (by all of us) on Christmas morning:
(R): Stop it. You guys are sick. You ruin Christmas.


I told my dad to put the tub of beer under the awning of the patio so it wouldn't get rained on:
(H): What? Are you afraid that the outside of the can might get wet?


OF COURSE there were approximately 76,903 other hilarious comments from this holiday weekend, but these were ones that I either (1) thought were truly hilarious (2) remembered or (3) deemed appropriate(ish) to share.

Texts From My Mom

I love the website, Texts From Last Night. Frequently my mom sends me texts that have me busting up. This has prompted me to start sharing the hilarity. (She also just says really random and funny things, I will also be sharing those!) Here are her latest and greatest texts: [Key: (R)=Rachael (M)=Meghan]


(M): We are at Camp Richardson drinking rum runners! Life is good.
(R): Fun, I'm Kermit green with envy!


(R): Cleaning out the storage room- I must have been the crazy cat lady in my youth, found about 10 cat calendars from the 1970's


(R): Having a brownie for breakfast dessert, is that bad?


(R): At this insane time of year I have been trying to find joy in the simple pleasures, my latest: will & grace in the morning before work.